"But you went away
How dare you?
I'll miss you
They say I'll be okay
But I'm not going to ever get over you
It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone"

Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert

TRIGGER WARNINGS: death, grief, depression, pregnancy loss

I intended for this to be a review of Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman, but as I write this I am just going to let everything that I have felt this year flow. I bought this book in the early hours of January 2nd, 2021 because I knew I would need something to help me. There were days where it was very helpful. I appreciated the variety of quotes and wisdom from all different cultures and religions. But there were some days where it was just a little too positive for me. But the one thing that meant a lot is that this book really focused on is that everything I was feeling is valid. I needed that because there were more people telling me what I should feel than accepting what I was going through. So I think it will help to write it all down.

I can tell you exactly what I was doing at this moment one year ago. I was up working. I was writing my review for Lore by Alexandra Bracken and watching one of my favorite book adaptations: North and South, based on the novel by Elisabeth Gaskell. I sat there and cried as Margaret Hale dealt with the loss of her father. I did not know it but I was only moments away from going through the same thing.

I laid down in bed, my husband and kids were already asleep. I can never just fall asleep. My nightly ritual is to listen to ASMR videos to help me settle my mind down before falling asleep. At 12:44 AM my mom called. It threw me off. We had talked earlier about us coming over that coming Tuesday to visit and stay for dinner. The only logical explanation for a call this late is that she was purse dialing me. But then I remembered... my sister Emily was due to have her baby boy at any moment. I answered and I hear my mom say, "please, answer." She told me something happened to my Dad and that it isn't good. That I need to get there as soon as possible. I hung up and tried to wake up my kids and husband and get out the door. I remember they seemed to move so slow. I snapped at them and I don't think I will ever forgive myself for that. My husband had me call my mom back to tell her we were on our way but also to get more information. She answered but handed the phone to the fireman who was at their home. He told me they were working on him and to get here soon but safely. I knew then that I had to call my sister, Jen who lives in Atlanta, Georgia. I felt terrible because I really had no information to give her, but with her living on the other side of the country, I knew she would want to know. The entire drive seemed to take forever, but I was optimistic. My Dad would be fine. They would probably take him to the hospital and he would gripe about it because he hates hospitals but he would be fine. We turned on the main road before my parent's house and a white owl flew right in front of us. I know, it sounds like something from a movie. Those things don't happen in real life. But for me, it did. And that is when I knew that he was gone. We pulled up to the street lit with the lights from the paramedics and firetrucks. We couldn't pull up directly in front of the house, so my husband slowed and I ran as quickly as I could. The fireman in charge met me at the front steps and informed me that my dad passed away. I remember going numb. I was told I screamed. I don't really remember. Next thing I knew I was sitting on the couch holding my mom and sister. My mom called my Uncle (my Dad's brother), who came immediately. With COVID, they were short all emergency personnel and the coroner took a long time to get there. My mom told me she heard my dad making noises in his sleep. She thought he was snoring. When she realized something was wrong, she immediately started chest compressions and called 9-1-1. They got there quickly and tried to revive him but could not. Then came the time to call my sister in Georgia, who immediately booked a plane flight out. There aren't words to describe how painful that phone call was.

One of my biggest regrets is not going up to his room to see him. I didn't think I could handle it, but looking back I wish I did. I know people say that is not how you want to remember them but it has been a year and I still don't feel like I have accepted the fact that he is gone. My dad was one of those types of men who were always there, no matter what. I could depend on my dad for everything. He was number one on my speed dial--even before my husband. My husband is wonderful and would drop anything at a moment's notice, but he is also a workaholic and can't often answer his phone. I never thought there would be a moment where I would have to live without my dad.

I quickly realized as the days passed that first week how truly surprising people are. You find out who your true friends and family are. There were people who reached out that I didn't expect and there were others who I expected to at least text who I still haven't heard from. I expected certain people to be there for my kids, knowing that they would need that extra love. I had some friends who were amazing. They took my kids on playdates that week or brought my boy's books on how to deal with loss and I clung to those people and I cannot begin to describe how grateful I am to those friends. There were the people who flittered in and out-- only there for the attention. (Sorry, the angry part of me is still working through the bitterness.) But Healing After Loss really dives into this aspect as well, which I appreciated. My therapist was truly wonderful for letting me yell and scream and cry about this.

I am not new to loss and grief. I lost one of my best friends to a motorcycle accident in 2010. He was one of those people that just filled the room. I can still remember his laugh so clearly. I didn't feel alone in this loss because our group of friends came together and we helped each other and we knew we had to be there for his family. In 2011, at 15 weeks pregnant, I went in for my monthly check-up. I found out that my baby had died weeks before but my body hadn't registered that. That was the most alone I had ever felt. The depression that hit me was unbearable and thought several times that maybe I should just end it all. In 2012, my great-grandmother passed away. She was one of my favorite people in this world. She lived a long and beautiful life but we were still heartbroken.

With the loss of my dad, I just feel lost. I can't seem to get out of this cloud. My mom has such amazing strength. She went back to work as a teacher and kept busy with all her grandsons. My sister, Emily gave birth to her beautiful son via emergency c-section only days before my dad's funeral. She was able to go home the night before and was on her feet, speaking at the funeral the next day. My sister, Jen had to fly back to Georgia and finish her student teaching. She did so well, that the school hired her. Then she started her Masters' program all while flying back and forth to see us. I am just in awe of them all and I don't know what I would do without them.

It is not only my grief that I am working on. My sons are also going through it. My dad wasn't only an amazing father, but the BEST grandfather. To my boys, he was their best friend. Oh, and I can't tell you how much my dad loved them. It breaks my heart to think about how young my boys are and how many of their memories will soon fade with age. I don't want them to ever forget how much he loved them.

So please, cherish your loved ones. I know it is hard to do that in every single moment and to be honest it isn't realistic. But you never know when someone will be ripped away from you. My dad died on January 2nd, 2021 of a heart attack. There were no signs leading up to it. The last time I saw him was on Christmas day and he was laughing and enjoying his favorite time of year. He was very active. He had to be in order to keep up with 3 grandsons and another on the way. He wasn't overweight and ate pretty healthy. Don't get me wrong, he would enjoy a bag of chips or some chocolate like the rest of us, but it was nothing that would lead to a heart problem. Unfortunately, genetic heart disease can be a very silent disease and he didn't know until it was too late. So always make sure to not only get checkups but be as preventative as possible. Don't wait until you have chest pains. Get ahead of it.

Our family has always been close and there will always be this hole in our lives. It is the little things too, like on Christmas day this year, we were sitting down at the table and we didn't know who would sit in my dad's place. My son ended up taking the seat. But it definitely gave us pause. My dad was the kindest man. He always thought of others before himself. He definitely had to have things done a certain way and could be so stubborn about it. I used to make fun of him when one of my sisters would get home and my dad would go out and move all the cars around because they all had to be in a certain spot. I liked to call it musical cars. But he loved working outside. He loved trees and plants and always had beautiful results in his garden. His favorite bird was the hawk. There always seems to be one of the light posts behind their house and it is nice to think that it's him, watching over us. I could write a book about all the memories we have and I will cherish them forever. They always say a girl's father is her first love. It is so true. I was born on January 29th and my dad's funeral was on January 29th. I met him and said goodbye on the same day just 33 years apart. I may have to go more than half my life without him. So again, cherish your loved ones. Hold them close. I love you, Daddy. Always and forever.

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