I've decided to throw my hat in the ring and make a run for President of the United States! I understand I am a little late to the party, but what the hell!
After looking over the qualifications of the very few who are tossing their hats into that big ring I believe I've also got a good chance to make some noise, and with any luck, I might make a good showing! How much worse can I be than what you've got to choose from so far in this down-and-dirty race?
Let's take a hard look at what you have to pick from! Two old codgers that both have seen better days! If the truth be known, we all have seen better days, and that has very little to do with our health!
The BIGLY old one, and he is old, only wants to cheat at golf and eat his weight in Cheeseburgers and fries! And that is a damn lot of meat! They have to kill a cow to make him just one meal! Imagine the old fool hiring a chef and eating McDonald's! and Burger King in the White House! That won't happen with me; I don't eat red meat, so it will have to be chicken or turkey burgers!
And he thinks he is God's gift to all women except his wife! Someone should tell him that he misses that mark by a country mile! It doesn't matter how much you pay for it, it is still ain't love! And last but not least, it doesn't matter if you shit on a Gold Toidy; it is still shit, and it smells!
The other one is slim and trim and appears to want to keep us living in a Democracy, and he loves his wife, who, by the way, lives WITH him. He doesn't give a fig for cozying up to Billionaires! He isn't a "Johnny-come-lately" to the political party game, and he doesn't need the money bad enough to start pitching canned goods and pillows from the Oval Office! He gets more done quietly working behind the scenes and smiling than screaming and calling everyone nasty, downgrading nicknames! I will never know why the one that wants to make things better is not the most popular one! It has been established that the current one isn't a dog trainer! The good thing is he doesn't shoot them, either!
Last but not least, the guy who boasts of a worm in his brain says he is all better now! He bears the same name as a former well-known political family, but that is as far as it goes. They are probably spinning at his use of the name without the wit or the brains.
I will effectively execute the complex aspects of the Office of the President of the United States of America! I would prefer to have a majority in the House and Senate that leans toward the blue side, but I don't care much. One way or another, I can do it with one arm tied behind my back! It is a well-known fact women can multitask!
Here is my platform:
- I am really easy to get along with as long as you do exactly what I tell you! I am a post-menopausal former redhead and left-handed Gemini, which should tell the head of any country that messing with me would not be in their best interests!
- I will appoint pre-and post-menopausal women to be my ambassadors. Guaranteed they won't tolerate backtalk from the male-dominated societies of the world.
- Since I am a woman, all the old White Men will think they will automatically be in charge and will assume that I am complacent and will do as they tell me! You do know what assume means, don't you, guys? I hit the toilet every time! It will be an unpleasant surprise that I am neither complacent nor will I do almost nothing that the old farts tell me! Unless you actually get one thing right!
- My one and only first Gentleman and I have been married for 62 years. There will be no dalliances for either of us!
- I will definitely need to read from a teleprompter with big fonts! We wouldn't want me to be running off at the mouth like so many of the nitwits who think they know what this country needs. Unless you have been living under a rock, you know who! They make fools of themselves and the country! We have had enough of that Bull Pucky!
- Let's talk about age! I am willing to admit I am old, but I can still walk and chew gum! And being old is not a sin; I have no desire to lead forever! No worries about me planning a dictatorship! Both our Son and Daughter are old enough to live in a 55+ community, and they have no desire to follow me unless I am making pizza.
- And I don't come from an old political family, and as far as I know, I don't have worms in any part of my body. Don't they have worm medicine to cure dogs?
- And I won't be re-decorating the white house! It looks pretty damned lovely compared to what most of us Seniors own! I might not even move in, but govern remotely! We don't need a new China; the pattern that is in the cupboard will be good enough. But if we need new plates, they will be made here in the USA!
- I plan on sleeping in every bedroom for at least one night, and anyone who sends a big contribution might get to sleep in one for one night!
- I will be happy to accept ALL the PAC money from everyone, as long as they don't mind signing my little agreement that says, "Sorry, Sucker, I will do what is right for the country! I am the screwer, and You are the screwee, for a change!
- I expect to be a one-term President! I am old but not stupid!
- With the tax I am planning on slapping on the millionaires and Billionaires, there will be plenty of money to raise the minimum wage to $25.00 an hour, not that sissy $15.00.
- With the money left over from the millionaires and billionaire tax, everyone gets full coverage insurance, nothing is pre-existing, and there are no co-pays! Don't worry! They will only pay the same percentage that middle-class Americans have been paying forever while they have been paying 0 %! Medicare will forever be safe and never borrowed from ever again.
- All the laws designed to protect the environment that were reversed under the Orange One will be reinstated. Yay! Clean water, air, and undisturbed land!
- Sorry, college-bound! You still have to pay for college, but the interest is low, and it is SIMPLE INTEREST. You figure the % on balance ONCE, and it is added to the amount owed and never calculated on the declining balance over and over. You will find you can pay it back before you die. AND the full amount you pay each year will be deductible from your income tax.
- There will be thousands of steel beams for sale! Or we can build something useful with them. We don't need a border wall; we need compassion for those who flee injustice. The process of becoming a citizen will be less expensive and take less time than currently. Those who want to come here will have the opportunity to work for a living and pay taxes. It is a fact that immigrants WANT to come here because they have a chance to make a life. Come here for any other purpose, and you will be sent home!
- There will be no bail-outs for corporations and Banks that get in trouble for risky speculation! You are on your own, pals! Just like the depositors that made you rich! No golden parachutes on the taxpayer's dime!
- Banks and all Lending institutions: If you speculate on your depositors $$$ be prepared to pay ALL of it back to them. And no Chapter 11, where you get to go bankrupt and continue to thrive on other people's money. You play, you pay!
Did I miss anything? I find it interesting that I need to state that this is just for fun and intended to be sarcastic, and no money will be accepted unless you understand and agree to #10!
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